Most people know that when it comes to Xmas lights more is not always better and that there are certain limits. The trouble comes when not everyone understands this quiet suburban streets turn into Vegas meets Currier and Ives. To resolve this the following scale is presented.

Since gaudiness is relative, for instance a couple hundred lights on a single family house is reasonable but subjecting poor rover's doghouse to that is a travesty, scores should be divided by decorated square footage. For instance if only the front of the house is decorated then only the area of the front counts towards this. If all of the gaudiness is concentrated on a single picture window (seeing a really ugly tree for instance) then only the window counts.

• Points are awarded as follows.

  • 1 point for a single small white unblinking light bulb (the average string gets you 50 points) these are multiples as follows
    • x2 for multi-colored
    • x2 for chasing
    • x4 for flashing irregularly
    • x6 for flashing in unison
    • x12 out of sync with adjacent strands
  • Larger light bulbs are scaled up as follows
    • x10 large 70's style light bulbs
    • x40 60 watt bulbs
    • x80 ~200 watt
    • x200 Floods
  • Words spelled in lights
    • 300 EXTRA points per letter.
    • 1200 per flashing letter
    • 3600 per letter flashing (or not) out of queue
  • Garlands (Wreaths are treated as round garland.)
    • Evergreen 20 points per foot.
    • Mock Evergreen 30 points per foot
    • Tinsel 80 points per foot
    • Metallic Evergreen 120 points per foot
  • Bows (Burgundy)
    • 10 points for up to 4"
    • 20 points up to 6"
    • 30 points up to 8"
    • 60 points up to 12"
    • Doubling every 4" after that.
  • Other colored bows are as follows
    • x1.5 red
    • x2 gold
    • x4 yellow (the hostages are home take them down already)
    • x10 silver
    • x20 blue
    • x15 other colors
  • Standups
    • 500 Points
    • x2 Plastic
    • x2 3D (ie. non flat)
    • x2 non religious
    • x5 internally lit
    • x10 full size
    • x100 Large size
    • x.002 <3"

• Blue can be done right

  If blue lights are 25-75 of the lights and there are only white for the remainder the following rules apply
  1. Blue lights are treated as white.
  2. Light blue bows are treated as Red.
  3. Dark blue bows are Burgundy.
  4. Silver is gold.
  5. Tinsel and metallic evergreen are halved
  6. Other colors are x40

• Or it can be done wrong...

  If blue lights (excepting blue as part of the standard color mix) are mixed with colored apply the following rules.
  1. Blue lights are x4.
  2. All bows are x40

• Special rules

  • Fences that can be seen through do not contribute to area
  • Deciduous trees do not count to area
  • Evergreens can be assumed to be cones (remember the bottom doesn't get decorated)
  • Shrubberies do not count
  • Topiary and indoor trees count as garland (assume 4" width and calculate based on surface area)

• Scores are rated as follows

  • 0-.5 Good day Mr. Scrooge
  • .5-1 Understated
  • 1-2 Tastefully Understated
  • 2-4 Slightly Gaudy
  • 4-8 Gaudy
  • 8-16 Gaud Awful
  • 16-32 So where in Arkansas are you from?
  • 32-64 So what did you do with the rest of the lotto money.
  • 64+ Welcome to Graceland tours depart on the half hour and hour.

• Some examples are...

  • My House.
    • 400 little white lights (400)
    • 12' fake garland (360)
    • 3' real garland (30)
    • 4 bows < 4" Red (40)
    • ~600 sq feet decorated.
    total=(400+360+30+40)/600=1.4

    Mid Range Tasteful (as if there was any doubt)

  • The people next door
    • 3 plastic Santas (Mr. and Mrs. and Mr.) (6000)
    • 3 reindeer (all plastic all internally light) (6000)
    • 200 large colored 70's-style bulbs flashing (16000)
    • Plywood Mary Joseph cutouts (1000)
    • Standing Manger and Stable (2000)
    • 2 Vinyl Santas on the house (2000)
    • 2 12" Blue bows (2400)
    • 80' Tinsel (6400)
    • ~600 feet of area
    total = 70

    (Keeps me awake at night just thinking of it)

  • The house and the mountain the next town over
    • Giant Sized Santa Sleigh & 9 reindeer (550000)
    • 10 Flood lights (2000)
    • 200 Colored lights (200 wattish) (80000)
    • 11 objects in patterned lights(treat as letters) (3300)
    • Area 360000(most of the mountain top)

    Total 1.75

    Kinda sweet and endearing but best viewed from across town though.